We Moved. To Montana.
Where do I even begin?
Let me channel my inner Sophia from Golden Girls…
"Picture it. Montana. May, 2020."
It was a pretty big surprise to our family and friends a couple of months ago when we told them we were leaving "home" and I think an even bigger surprise to others when I announced ane morning on Instagram and Facebook that nosotros packed up everything and moved that very morning time.
I recall people thought we'd never leave dwelling and usually, when someone is making a big life alter similar this, information technology gets talked about quite a bit… at least for a while, earlier it happens.
Well… not us.
We pretty much kept our plans of moving out westward, on the down-low.
A Quick Video of Our Story, in a Nutshell
In instance yous prefer listening, instead of reading!
→ Did we stay in Montana? Update on Living in Montana
Why the Motility?
It's the question we've been asked the most since spilling the beans, and well… the reply'southward not a simple i, just information technology IS an interesting 1, to say the least.
A Hellacious Three Years
Before I start to requite the details on why nosotros moved, I think it's important that yous know that the last three years of our lives accept been, well, hell.
Why didn't I say anything?
Well I kind of did, but in a private, "heads upward" kind of way, because I dear to be transparent and existent with you all… only telling you everything that was going on, just wasn't something I was ready to do.
In today's earth, it'due south so easy for your private life to suddenly become "everyone's" business if y'all let it (and honestly, even if you don't allow it… sometimes information technology can still experience similar everyone is in your business) and, as I'm sure y'all would in the same situation, I wanted the 1 place I had online to be a place of joy and inspiration where I could escape, rather than exist a dark, uncertain and scary identify similar our life was at that fourth dimension.
And honestly…
I'm still non ready to talk about that dark and scary time. Mentally, I'grand in a proficient spot, and going back to dredge upwardly whatsoever details of the insanity that was taking identify in our lives, may let my emotional state to go backward… and that's not something I'grand willing to practice today.
Will I share the details in the future? Maybe. Because I think a lot of Practiced tin can come from the bad and the EVIL that lirk upon usa in today's world and sharing those things may just aid explain why we as humans can start to feel so low, attacked and defeated… and it also may allow for a take chances for us to connect and relate to one some other in some mode and fifty-fifty play a role in the part of the healing procedure for everyone involved.
I Would Have Rather Poked my Eyeballs Out…
In loftier school, my married man and I (young man at the time of course) spent some fourth dimension visiting my husband's favorite identify on globe…a ranch in Montana that the family of his childhood best friend, owned.
Fast forrard a few years in to our 20's, and nosotros were making more and more trips out to big heaven land for long weekends.
And although I LOVED the views… I just wasn't in dear with Montana. To be honest… I despised going to Montana.
Why? There are a few reasons, simply I blame it mostly on the fourth dimension in our lives and our immaturity at the time, rather than the state itself.
But although my horrible feelings toward Montana were all self-inflicted… I all the same felt so strongly that I didn't want to visit much and definitely didn't want to alive there. Actually, I would have rather poked my eyeballs out.
My husband? Well, it was a place where he could go and feel like he could leave the hustle and hurry, get back to his roots, and was a place where he actually felt "abode" and happy.
Then needless to say, he would merely virtually give his right-arm to alive there, at least during the summertime and fall, so information technology was e'er something he dreamed near… but knew that I'd never be on board with moving there, so he pretty much permit the dream go.
He Said "Mountains"
And then… God.
Man, you know it's going to be a good story when it begins with "And then… God". Am I right?
During the 3 years of awfulness, I found myself on a roller coaster of emotions.
(My husband did too of class, and I might too tell you at present that he's going to share his story ane 24-hour interval also, then just know that this is MY viewpoint, which does Non accept abroad from how my husband or boys suffered or may take been feeling during this fourth dimension as well. Information technology definitely affected our entire family, but they'll be able to tell their stories one day.)
Anywho, back to "And so… God."
I Felt Similar I Was Done. Really Washed.
I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't desire to get out of bed. What was the point? If I stayed in bed, I could ignore that "life" was actually happening outside of our domicile and no one could see me in at that place.
I even made information technology to where the boys could hang out in the bedroom with me most of the day and we'd watch their favorite tv shows, merely then I could lay in bed and hope the telly kept them entertained for me.
Some days I managed to get up and feel like I could actually make dinner, but the fearfulness of someone looking in our windows (not that people were actually doing that… it just felt like everyone was watching) would transport me right back to my "safe place" (the bedroom) then it would plow out to be another pb&j night for the boys because that didn't have every bit much fourth dimension or effort.
Some of the days would be so dark that I'd even find myself wondering if everyone around me would be better off if God would simply take me right then and there.
I hateful, I had a blog that could generate income without me so they'd be taken care of, and maybe my boys would no longer have to deal with a stressed-out mom who didn't know how to live life anymore.
Looking back, I know that's non the case at all, but if yous've ever been so "low", those are the types of thoughts that go through your head and information technology's a scary, scary feeling.
5-Minute Closet Prayers
During these roller coasters of emotions, I found a few things that would help drag me out of the darkness… at least for a little while, and one of those things was my "5-infinitesimal cupboard prayers".
Some days, the hurting and hurt would be and so overwhelming that I'd physically get upward and get hibernate in my son'due south closet (so the boys couldn't meet me) and just cry. I'd weep out to God… beg Him… plead for his mercy and inquire Him to just take all of the bad abroad.
During those moments, I wanted to "hear" God speak to me like and so many had claimed He had done before but I found myself getting actually frustrated, wondering what "hearing" God actually looked and sounded like.
I mean, would it be like in the movies where God'south voice sounded like Morgan Freeman and the message would be articulate as twenty-four hour period?
I even asked my pastor what it was like… and what he said didn't click for me. But I was longing for it. Begging God to speak to me, and to open up my heart and ears so I could hear whatsoever He wanted me to hear.
I'm non going to lie… some days, it felt similar I was but talking to the clothes hanging upwardly in that closet, and some days it felt like God was actually listening because I felt some sort of peace come over me; at least enough peace to make me feel like I could go back out and put a faux smiling on my confront so the boys could take some sort of normalcy.
Merely then ane day, I heard it.
I heard…and I FELT… God speak to me.
What Does That Feel Like?
Well I'm not certain if everyone feels this way, just for me… it was a sense of calm. A sense of peace… and a sense of feeling in my heart and fifty-fifty a feeling of goosebumps.
Is this how anybody feels? I accept no idea. But it was a feeling so strong that I tin can't deny and tin't explain HOW it could be anything different.
So What Did He Say?
He simply said "mountains".
"Mountains?"
It was a random thought that came to my mind and left me request,
"Where did that come from?" and "What in the world exercise 'mountains' take to do with anything right now?"
And that correct there was another sign to me that it was God because it was the most random idea I'd ever had and it fabricated no sense whatsoever to me at that moment.
I also felt similar it was a very private thought and that I wasn't supposed to say anything about it to anyone.
(Perhaps that's because as an imperfect man, I would have felt "giddy" for telling someone that I felt like God spoke to me. In a closet. With a random give-and-take. Or that possibly it wasn't the right fourth dimension to say anything to anyone.)
And so, naturally, as I feel any person would do… I shoved the discussion "mountains" and the feelings down within and went about my day.
Well, that was until God kept putting the word "mountains" in front of me and it was completely undeniable.
It was everywhere!
The word "mountains" was in a song that I heard over and over over again in the car… ("Practice it Once again" past Height Worship)
A 4-week message at church during this time had the theme "Moving Mountains" that spoke so deeply to the situations that we were dealing with.
And fifty-fifty "little" things like fortune cookies mentioning moving mountains or seeing commercials on telly talking virtually the mountains… information technology was every bit if God was using modern-day ways to go on reminding me of what He told me in the cupboard that mean solar day.
He Said "Mountains in Montana"
Then, during one, very unromantic evening while watching LIVE PD with my married man (I know, I know) it was as if God knew it was the perfect moment to speak to me once more and He said,
"You demand to be in the mountains in Montana."
The feeling was then existent, it was equally if someone walked upwards to me and slapped me in the confront.
"Ex-queeze me?"
"Um… I don't like Montana."
I could feel my self arguing internally with my thoughts, and resisting any blazon of suggestion that I was supposed to be in the cold, mountain air, in a place that I despised.
Just information technology was a feeling then strong that I couldn't keep information technology quiet or to myself any longer.
Then I looked over to my husband and said,
"You're going to think I'm crazy… only I think we're supposed to live in Montana for a little while."
It was as if those words roughshod out of my mouth without any command over what I wanted to say and what I didn't want to say.
He looked at me similar I was a crazy person because he KNEW how much I despised Montana and wondered what in the heck was going on.
Simply information technology was at that moment that I explained to him nearly hearing God talk to me well-nigh the mountains and how I had a feeling we were supposed to be in Montana, in the mountains, for some reason.
I wasn't sure why we were supposed to go simply information technology must be God'south program because there was no manner on earth I'd exist willing to go, let alone take information technology be my idea to movement to Montana… if information technology wasn't God giving me the peace to exercise so.
Needless to say, my husband beamed with lite.
Y'all see, during these last 3 years, his favorite place on earth (the ranch that he grew upwardly loving so much) actually sold and a piddling piece of his heart went with it. He knew that in that location was no way he'd e'er be able to go back to that place that he dreamed of spending more time at one solar day… merely he fabricated peace with the idea that he would just hold on to the memories and would hopefully observe a new place in Montana to visit.
Then with the excitement and quite honestly… the "shocked" feeling… my husband picked up the phone and called a friend (who was actually even so the manager of the ranch in Montana) and said,
"Well, I don't believe I'k proverb this… but my wife said she wants to live in Montana for a little bit. Perchance this summer when the boys become out of schoolhouse? Do you happen to know of anyone renting out a firm for the summer in the expanse or know of something we may be interested in? We just want to be in Montana, doesn't really matter where.
to which his friend replied,
"Well as a matter of fact I do. The new owners of the ranch (my hubby's dream place) asked me last week if I knew of anyone that may exist interested in renting out the main house on the ranch this summertime."
(Keep in mind that this is the ranch that my married man idea he'd never get a chance to see, allow lone, stay at over again.)
What?! How is this even possible? Why would they even want to hire this out? This was a new matter. They've never done this on the ranch before!
Only it was equally if virtually every question we had, there was a logical answer.
It was as if God drew a road map out and guided us along the path that we were supposed to take.
And considering the life that we had been living the last couple of years at the time, we just knew that this opportunity was too good to be truthful and that it could (and probably would) slip away from the states.
Then we knew that if we just kept our heads down and kept listening to God and following His program for us, that this dream may actually get a reality.
Shortly, not only did I take peace almost going to Montana… I had an excitement well-nigh going to Montana. A feeling I had never had before. I just KNEW that He was making all of this happen for some reason; a reason that I didn't know…merely I knew it was because He wanted u.s.a. here.
And so What is the Reason?
Well, at the time of writing this mail service, we've been here ii weeks at present, and you know what? I accept no idea even so.
I'm not sure if it's to help someone here specifically…
Or if it's to accomplish out and help others online and being here volition requite us a better opportunity to connect with others more than easily…
Or fifty-fifty if it'due south only to use this fourth dimension to reflect and rebuild our lives and become it to a place that will make us stronger than always to assist others.
No thing the reason, I feel strongly that information technology is to help someone, in some style, and being here has only magnified that nosotros are correct where nosotros are supposed to exist.
It just feels right and although I find myself wondering,
Jessica, why WOULDN'T information technology feel correct? Y'all're on a beautiful ranch, in one of the most beautiful places on earth…
…that'southward not what information technology is. Certain, it's beautiful and and so far the experiences take been insanely dream-worthy… but the feeling of being right where we are supposed to be, has never felt so articulate.
Are We Crazy?
Well, information technology depends on who y'all ask, I'thousand sure.
Trust me… we've heard everything from,
"Wait… you don't know how long you're staying in Montana?"
"You don't know where yous're going to go afterwards the summertime is over?"
"You don't really fifty-fifty know why you're there?"
And to exist honest… my type "A" personality would normally question the same things and even rebel in what we're doing.
But for some reason, I'm only going with the period and seeing where God takes united states of america and leads u.s.a..
Because if I can hear him and so clearly in that picayune fragmentary closet that day… I can surely hear Him, a little closer to heaven, loftier upward on a mountain peak.
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